Someway, I'm going to fix this, love.
I'm going to, no matter what it takes.


Has anyone told you your parents are insane?
Just wondering...
Well, as it stands, this seems to be the only method of communication that we have until I can figure out how to work this out.


I know you don't want me to, but I love you, and I want to fix this... maybe even fix us.

There was such a freedom, such a beautiful rightness to what we had...

God, I can remember what it felt like when you'd kiss me... My world would vanish. I remember as though it were yesterday how it felt to have our bodies meld together, how much peace and safety that was there.

I don't want to, but I'm trying to push myself to move on. I can't though.

Especially not, knowing that your parents aren't letting you date anymore, all because you made a bad decision and asked me to be yours. I made one when I said yes, because I knew it could get you into trouble. I wish I hadn't, for your sake only, but I don't regret it. How can I, when so much came from the hundred days we had of being "us" instead of you and me?

I'm so sorry, but I can't seem to accomplish this.
No matter how hard I try, I keep coming back to you.

I honestly feel like it's my fault that everything happened with him, just because I thought that kissing him would make me move on from you. He told me he'd make everything ok. He promised me he'd be mine... He swore that he'd love me and protect me. All he did was hurt me. Break me. Kill what remained of an already shattered innocence. All for nothing. Lust, not love, right? Everything happened, just because I trusted him.

I want, so desperately, to get over you. I can't seem to.
Not when you've never done me wrong... I was horrible to you... I lied, cheated, stole your innocence away from you. I don't deserve you. It's no wonder you don't want me anymore. I asked you what you wanted from me. You said you didn't want anything from me, that you just wanted me to be me. I don't know how to be me anymore. I don't know how to be me without you... I became so accustomed to coming home and talking to you. Even before we dated. I can't do that anymore, and it's my fault.
I'm sorry, babe.

I'll never forgive myself for what I've done to you, but I've ways of making it disappear, and though I've yet to break the biggest promises I've made to you, I don't know how much longer it will last. I don't know how much longer I can stare into a mirror and not recognize the person staring back.




I love you, even if you don't love me back.
I'm sorry for everything I've done to you.
I'm sorry for the pain and hurt I've caused you.
I'm sorry for distracting you.
I love you, my penguin.



-Surreal no more

Why did you block me?
I still love you, but,
damn, I'm not going to stalk you.

but I shall leave it only at this.

Thank you for showing me what love really is,

even if it's irrelevant at this particularly mundane moment.

simply delete all of my old posts? 

Allow them to mysteriously disappear?

Or do I leave them?

I'm of mind to erase all evidence that Surreal ever existed.

Nothing is surreal about me.

I am plain.  boring. annoying. useless. careless. meaningless. ugly.

I wonder if I could make an ABC of me.

Let's see. 
Annoying. Boring. Careless. Distressing. E... hm, doesn't spring to mind immediately... Exhausting. Faithless. Godforsaken. Horrible. Ignorant. (or I rather like 'insubordinate') Justice-less? No... Jerk works, I guess. K. K used to be for kisses... kindness. HA. No. K can mean killing. L? There's no such thing as love, so that's out of the question. Lifeless? I guess that describes how I've been lately. Mean. Nasty. Ogre-ish doesn't really work, simply because I haven't the build of a brute. I suppose one might call me "ostentatious" due to my affinity for fanciful perfection, but I don't think it fits with this alphabet. Ordinary works quite well. Plain. Q... Q? I'm by no means quixotic, and though my name is, a queen I am not. Quandriful, there we go. R... there is nothing that fits? I suppose I could say rambling. There we go, since I'm a rambler by the sound of it. Slut. Perhaps the easiest, or maybe W is. Terrible. Ugly. Virtue-less. WORTHLESS. W was the easiest. X... X is very hard. Xerotic, meaning dry, or Xanthippe, which is an ill tempered woman. I think the second fits best. For Y, I could make a racial slur, or I could say Yeasty, meaning insubstantial. Zealess.

I have to somehow destroy all evidence that Surreal ever existed. If we do not exist, our alter-egos may not be together, either.

Why spend so much time building Klexur and Surreal Lumen when they should never have existed in the first place? When they should be destroyed a week later?

Why write their names in the sand? 

It was all a lie, wasn't it?

All of it.

Everything.

You told me you'd be my penguin. You told me that we'd have our own little forever.

What happened to our dream house? Our kids?
Did that all mean nothing?

You never truly loved me.

If you did, you wouldn't have done this to me.

I can't hate you.

I love you too much.

I hate myself for that.

I am nothing.

I am worth nothing. 

You still own me.

You own my heart, my body, my soul.

You say you've just finally reached the point where you didn't constantly think of me. Why should you have thought of me at all?

Obviously it didn't matter that you were killing me or you would have stopped sooner. 

You say it just doesn't work that way, that you can't make yourself feel that way again. It's because you don't want to.

You know what my biggest problem I had with our relationship was? There were two of equal weight. I had no clue when you were going to randomly lash out at me, and it felt too permanent. 

It was almost too much.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk myself into giving you back your hoodie...

I originally wanted the dogtags back. Now I just want to put a few bullets through them both. I don't think I can bear to see my name next to yours. 

My wishing well splashed back.

a state of ill-being due to affliction or misfortune; a feeling of intense unhappiness;  state of suffering and want as a result of physical circumstances or extreme poverty; mental or emotional unhappiness or distress; cause or source of suffering; physical ache or ailment

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Oh wait, "mental state I've been in for about a month" should make it into that list.