to hell in a handbasket?
I mean really, is it just me?
Ever notice how the small things make it worth while?
People seem so amazed at all the various crap that happens, then wonder why I can smile at all.
Well, some days I wonder too, then something that seem so trivial happens and every thing's perfect, or at least as close as it'll get.
It's always been the stupid things to make me laugh and smile, or even to like someone.
For example, I was having a very bad day last week, and at some point had discovered my green marker was missing out of a set. It really didn't help, just made everything a little more irksome.
So I get home, and I'm doing homework when I randomly look down, and there's the marker, just waiting for me to pick it up.
It seemed incredibly ridiculous, (in a way, it still does) but it made my day so much better.
& Today, I was so tired, I didn't feel like doing very much after finishing my homework... but I had planned on making brownies and just never got around to it.
So I get up from a mini-nap on the couch at 10, and I make a huge batch of brownies.
I'll confess, like any good cook, I sampled my cooking, and I was so happy that I had that brownie. I had this whole kick-butt mentality for a minute. I was thinking "wow, accidents can result in miracles" because I added some things by mistake... as in, too much water, too much time to cook, or so I thought.
Then there's the shirt thing, where I trashed a shirt that I liked quite a bit by spilling coffee all over it. I already had some stuff in the washer, so I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I was looking for stain remover, and came across some Oxi-clean that was almost empty, but still had enough in it to be effective. I sprayed it where needed... then I was like, "Wait, what do I do now?" I remembered this old trick my mom taught me with Dawn. I quickly discovered that Dawn and Oxi-Clean actually work better than detergent, because the year-old shirt looks new. Talk about a sense of accomplishment.
Is it crazy when I say that seeing a particular person smile makes me feel like I've been sucker-punched, or that the way someone else says my name (and for that matter, still calls me by it) makes me smile?
I'm just starting to realize, I've had a lot of interesting experiences, to say the least, but maybe I take some of it too far. I guess I forgot what it's like to be happy, but I think I'm figuring it out.
Well, now that I have my brownies, it's off to the shower and to bed for me.
Night, and much love.
-Surreal,
because it's starting to seem that way.
Well, some days I wonder too, then something that seem so trivial happens and every thing's perfect, or at least as close as it'll get.
It's always been the stupid things to make me laugh and smile, or even to like someone.
For example, I was having a very bad day last week, and at some point had discovered my green marker was missing out of a set. It really didn't help, just made everything a little more irksome.
So I get home, and I'm doing homework when I randomly look down, and there's the marker, just waiting for me to pick it up.
It seemed incredibly ridiculous, (in a way, it still does) but it made my day so much better.
& Today, I was so tired, I didn't feel like doing very much after finishing my homework... but I had planned on making brownies and just never got around to it.
So I get up from a mini-nap on the couch at 10, and I make a huge batch of brownies.
I'll confess, like any good cook, I sampled my cooking, and I was so happy that I had that brownie. I had this whole kick-butt mentality for a minute. I was thinking "wow, accidents can result in miracles" because I added some things by mistake... as in, too much water, too much time to cook, or so I thought.
Then there's the shirt thing, where I trashed a shirt that I liked quite a bit by spilling coffee all over it. I already had some stuff in the washer, so I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I was looking for stain remover, and came across some Oxi-clean that was almost empty, but still had enough in it to be effective. I sprayed it where needed... then I was like, "Wait, what do I do now?" I remembered this old trick my mom taught me with Dawn. I quickly discovered that Dawn and Oxi-Clean actually work better than detergent, because the year-old shirt looks new. Talk about a sense of accomplishment.
Is it crazy when I say that seeing a particular person smile makes me feel like I've been sucker-punched, or that the way someone else says my name (and for that matter, still calls me by it) makes me smile?
I'm just starting to realize, I've had a lot of interesting experiences, to say the least, but maybe I take some of it too far. I guess I forgot what it's like to be happy, but I think I'm figuring it out.
Well, now that I have my brownies, it's off to the shower and to bed for me.
Night, and much love.
-Surreal,
because it's starting to seem that way.
Wednesdays are always the hardest.
So this lifestyle, I've pretty much adjusted to everything...
I no longer come home to ask what time Daddy will be back, or comment on something that's his fault to begin with... I don't mention my old friends, or how I wonder constantly what they're doing and if they miss me. Heck, I don't even notice anymore what time it is to say it's pointless because someone's at work. I'm used to my sister being home all the time, and I've almost (I'll never be that good) adjusted to getting in a car with my grandma... er, almost. kinda. not really on that one, but anyway... Wednesday is always the hardest for me. I can't just call up my old friends and say "how's it going?" because I know where they're at, and I know they can't answer the phone. I miss them so much. Honestly, I miss the chaos that was my life before absolutely everything changed, that I can't begin to describe it. I just want this year over... Maybe next year will be better? I've been trying a new approach, and it's working quite well for me, but then again, I still miss the daily rituals, and I miss having someone besides my mom who cared.
I realize there are times when I seem a bit melodramatic, but I really have a confusing life. I guess I'll say something later.
(M)uch (L)ove,
-Surreal
I no longer come home to ask what time Daddy will be back, or comment on something that's his fault to begin with... I don't mention my old friends, or how I wonder constantly what they're doing and if they miss me. Heck, I don't even notice anymore what time it is to say it's pointless because someone's at work. I'm used to my sister being home all the time, and I've almost (I'll never be that good) adjusted to getting in a car with my grandma... er, almost. kinda. not really on that one, but anyway... Wednesday is always the hardest for me. I can't just call up my old friends and say "how's it going?" because I know where they're at, and I know they can't answer the phone. I miss them so much. Honestly, I miss the chaos that was my life before absolutely everything changed, that I can't begin to describe it. I just want this year over... Maybe next year will be better? I've been trying a new approach, and it's working quite well for me, but then again, I still miss the daily rituals, and I miss having someone besides my mom who cared.
I realize there are times when I seem a bit melodramatic, but I really have a confusing life. I guess I'll say something later.
(M)uch (L)ove,
-Surreal
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
This show is so cool, definitely worth watching if you enjoyed the movies.
Days like today
remind me why I hate my life.
Am I really the only one bothered by a "dad" who won't say a word or even acknowledge me? I didn't completely ignore him. Am I wrong in the fact it bothers me to have been "the center of attention" in my mother's life, and since she was "living vicariously through me" she wasn't good enough? & then of course the first thing my grandmother can say to me is how if I keep eating like that I'm going to be (and she makes this motion semblant of a whale) like "that" but God forbid I tell her my eating habits are perfectly fine and that I've got it under control. I got told off for being disrespectful by contradicting her. Wtf? So then we go in Winn Dixie and they piss my mom off. She's in a fine mood, and is just ranting repeatedly about random subjects. Let's turn to picking up Aleyah, who since I told I'd pick her up an hour later than I actually did, wasn't ready. My mom was po'd because she was still ever-so-happy from Winn Dixie. So then we're on our way to pick up the Tuba hero when I call to let him know we'll be early. He tells me not to bother, that he's sick. So Aleyah and I end up doing the project by ourselves. Although, I do 95% of the work. So the group project yet again turns into an only-me project. The entire time Aleyah is here, she's harassing me about various things. Yeah, she can get away with a lot, but eventually she went too far. I didn't want to get in a cat fight, so I let her. I'm now incredibly pissed, because I did an entire hours worth of work that should have been to someone else after she left. She was here the majority of the day, from about 11-7. From there, it's still hectic.
I just want to bang my head against a wall.
I hate my life.
and almost everything in it.
Am I really the only one bothered by a "dad" who won't say a word or even acknowledge me? I didn't completely ignore him. Am I wrong in the fact it bothers me to have been "the center of attention" in my mother's life, and since she was "living vicariously through me" she wasn't good enough? & then of course the first thing my grandmother can say to me is how if I keep eating like that I'm going to be (and she makes this motion semblant of a whale) like "that" but God forbid I tell her my eating habits are perfectly fine and that I've got it under control. I got told off for being disrespectful by contradicting her. Wtf? So then we go in Winn Dixie and they piss my mom off. She's in a fine mood, and is just ranting repeatedly about random subjects. Let's turn to picking up Aleyah, who since I told I'd pick her up an hour later than I actually did, wasn't ready. My mom was po'd because she was still ever-so-happy from Winn Dixie. So then we're on our way to pick up the Tuba hero when I call to let him know we'll be early. He tells me not to bother, that he's sick. So Aleyah and I end up doing the project by ourselves. Although, I do 95% of the work. So the group project yet again turns into an only-me project. The entire time Aleyah is here, she's harassing me about various things. Yeah, she can get away with a lot, but eventually she went too far. I didn't want to get in a cat fight, so I let her. I'm now incredibly pissed, because I did an entire hours worth of work that should have been to someone else after she left. She was here the majority of the day, from about 11-7. From there, it's still hectic.
I just want to bang my head against a wall.
I hate my life.
and almost everything in it.
Stupid questions of the day
Are we back to where we started? Is it all just a giant circle with no way out? Is this yet another massive waste of my precious and somewhat limited time? Why does it seem like everything is trying to tear apart when the glue was just found to put it together in the first place?
Well, I don't have all the answers, simply because I can't figure out the questions. There are a few questions that if one asked, the answer would be immeadiate, and generally, the answer's already known. I guess this is my way of saying things are boiling down to the basics again. Well, here we go.
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