Wow.
Just wow.
You are so amazing.
I can't help but feel a bit like I took advantage of you seeing as you weren't on your meds... I mean, in a right mindset, you wouldn't have ever let me do some of what we were doing lsat night... You kept saying it wasn't my fault, and that I wasn't taking advantage of you, but it was and I did. I'm sorry.
On the other hand, that just sealed the deal. You are officially stuck with me. If there was any doubt, there isn't now... I love you. There's no other reason that I would have done that, except that I love you.
So yesterday was... Amazing. Beautiful. Perfect. You showed up on my doorstep, and I smiled as soon as the doorbell rang. Kissing you, even just a light peck, automatically made me feel better. Watching you play with my dogs, and my cat... it fit perfectly in my head. I couldn't believe how much I wanted to watch you keep babying my pets. Itwas so natural. So then we cuddled up in the chair, and watched Pirates. I love curling up against you, because I feel safe, protected, warm, and happy. So, there I allowed my hands to wander, and stole few kisses when no one was watching... fine, I stole several. Afterwards, we ended up going with my mom, and I didn't mind running into Ms. B, because I really have no issue showing you off, although it was a bit embarassing... For whatever unknown reason, we kept seeing people we knew... but it didn't bother me too much. Almost as soon as we got home, you and I left again. We went on a walk, and that's when things got a bit... messy. I had enough control at that point, to realize what we were doing was going to push our limits, but instinct had taken over, and I didn't care. You didn't do anything wrong... especially considering you did nothing at all. When I was running, I was trying not to look at you, because I wanted nothing more than to, erm, take you back to where we'd been and finish the job. When I had shoved my hands in my jacket because I was shuddering, I was trying not to grab you and pin you down. When I kept running, I just had to get away, because you attempting to touch me, or even hearing you voice, it made me want more. I ran, as fast as I dared given the slope, down my street, not because I didn't want to be with you, but because I did, in every way possible. The fallen look on your face while you were waiting on me... It broke my heart to see you like that. I could tell that you were thinking you screwed up, and that it was probably over. I guess that I really didn't help, considering I wouldn't even sit close to you afterwards. I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry. Dinner made me chill out a bit. I missed you so much, even though I had been sitting 10 feet away from you in the living room, that I needed my legs tucked and tangled with yours. I guess you knew I was feeling better when I went for the big chair... our chair... but you came and curled up against me, an interesting change from the norm. You kept asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't say, because I wasn't sure. I finally figured out that it was because I let instincts take over, and lost my extremely valued control. I fell asleep against you for a bit with your arms around me... and then my grandma showed up with the fudgesicles... that was fun. I couldn't help but wonder what it would taste like, and actually, it tasted better. I loved just sitting there and sharing little, sweet kisses with you, even though all we were doing was teasing ourselves. Then I guess your instinct kicked in, because you started going for bigger kisses, and I didn't mind. When we went into the kitchen, I really had just wanted to talk at first, but then I couldn't help it, I had to kiss you, and I had to touch you. From there, I have no idea what came over me, but whatever it was... damn. The, I would say sad, but it wasn't, it was scary, part was that we were like that for the rest of the night. We spent an hour in my kitchen. It was perfect, though. That erased any doubt whatsoever in my mind, that you are the one that I'm in love with, and you are the only one. I am so determined that I'm going to make this last with you. I'm not scared of it anymore. In the car, I was hoping you didn't see the unexplained tears falling down. As soon as you left, I ended up falling asleep, still crying. When I woke up, I knew it was because I'd taken advantage of you, and the fact that I didn't regret it.
I hope you know that I'm sorry, I want you to forgive me, because everything from yesterday was almost out of hand... part of it was.
I love you.
I don't want to hurt you, I really don't. I just wanted to stay in your arms forever.
I guess I'll talk to you this afternoon. I'm assuming (dangerous, I know) that you wanted time and space to think, since you didn't call me last night. The possibility is there that you fell asleep, but somehow I doubt it.
I love you, babe.
Surreal.
